Mom Collects Weird Things She And Other Parents Hear Themselves Saying To Their Kids, And They’re Hilarious

Parenting is an unexpected journey. Sometimes you just can't know the situation or conversation you're gonna get into with your little kid. And they can be really amusing, too. In an attempt to document all of the weird stuff she herself say to her son, one mother started a blog called WTF Parenting Quotes.

It all started with one phrase. "One day, while driving, I was tuning in and out of his chatter in the backseat, when I heard, ‘It’s simple Mama. All you need is a dead body, a pocketknife, and an ostrich.’ It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard," the mom behind the project wrote. "I eventually found out he was trying to explain how to do a human-ostrich brain transplant, and heard myself explaining why it wouldn’t work. Definitely the most wtf thing I’ve ever heard myself say." Since then, she's trying to be as aware of their exchanges as possible.

As time went by, other parents fell in love with WTF Parenting Quotes and wanted to be a part of it as well. They started submitting snippets of their own conversations with their children and the project into something bigger.

More info: tumblr

#1

Whose underwear is on your head? (It wasn’t his, and it wasn’t clean and his brother was hiding and giggling)

It wasn’t clean. IT WASN’T CLEAN. brb, vomiting.

#2

"But how did your underwear get stuck in the bathroom window in the first place?"

#3

"I don’t think you’re old enough to be having a mid-life crisis."

#4

“Stop eating your soup with your fingers!” (To my 10 year old)

#5

"Why are you carrying the cat into the bathroom?"

#6

"No no no, the police do not need your help ‘investigating.’ Get back here!!"

All kinds of trouble at the park tonight.

#7

"No no no no. No ‘pants off dance off’ at the wedding."

#8

NO! Don’t pull that pin!!
Yelled at my almost 2yr old as he approached a gas station fire extinguisher with a devious look in his eye.

#9

"Grandpa is not a race car.
Grandpa’s wheelchair is not a toy.
You may not “drive Grandpa.”"

#10

"I am about 99.9% sure you are not getting a chainsaw for Christmas."

Don’t lose all hope. That leaves a .1 chance you are.

#11

"I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in ‘stealth mode.’"

Ruined my ninja’s self esteem today.

#12

"Why is there an axe on the floor?"

Darn Vikings never pick up after themselves.

#13

"No, do NOT lick the cat."

#14

"No, I don’t think throwing alligators at people is a good idea."

#15

"Look, I know you love pickles, but… with a cookie? …At the same time?"

#16

"No you’re not a jockey and you can’t ride the baby."

#17

"No, you can’t ride the dog."

Our schnoodle is about 30 pounds, and clearly not a horse.

#18

"No, Grandpa does not have any friends named ‘Vomity.’"

…. That I know of?

#19

"How did your hat get over the fence if you didn’t throw it? No, hats don’t fly."

#20

Anonymous asked: No, Gatorade in your eyes will not make you see things faster

That lightning bolt sure confuses things!

#21

"No, your teeth are not asleep. Go brush them."

#22

"I don’t think the cat sneaks out at night and rides your skateboard."

#23

"You can growl at me all you want, but you still have to tie your shoes."

#24

"We already own flyswatters, why do you want one for your birthday?"

At least I stopped myself from saying ‘What the f kind of present is that?’

#25

"No, no one is going to autograph your teeth."

#26

"How can you not know why your tongue is blue? Your tongue was with you all day today, wasn’t it?"

#27

"That’s good that you love the neighbor’s cat, but no, you can’t marry him."

#28

"Well, next time, don’t hide important things just to give yourself ‘a challenge.’"

#29

i asked my 10 year old son what he wanted on pizza one night. He replied, “well, Mom, I’m not a virgin.“ I stopped cold and said, “what?”
He said, “ I want meat, I’m not a virgin.”
“Oh, you’re not a vegetarian.“ as I exhaled.

#30

"No, hippies are not baby hippos. Yes, I’m sure."

#31

"You are not an M&M. Put your clothes back on."

#32

"You’re eating that pizza crust from off the bathroom floor, aren’t you?"

She was supposed to throw it in the garbage, smh

#33

"Is firing a nerf gun one of the steps of getting ready for bed?"

Spoiler: the answer is no.

#34

"You smell like meat."

#35

"Why is the dog wearing Yoda ears?"

#36

"You may not bring your sword to the water park."

#37

"No, you have to wear pants on the golf course."

Shipping this kid to a nudist colony in 5… 4… 3…

#38

"Please stop saying ‘Redrum’. It’s super creepy."

#39

"I am not going to get in a car crash just to cure your hiccups. That is crazy talk."

#40

"No, we don’t tase people at the park."

Amazing, how versatile a stick can be.

#41

"Yes, you do look like Tony Stark but I still want you to wash your face."

Chocolate ice cream goatee = easy costume.

#42

"No, you can’t stay at home alone with the dog. The dog is not an appropriate baby-sitter."

#43

"They’re called ‘discharge papers’ not 'dementor papers.’"

He was reading Harry Potter while waiting for his x Rays and got confused.

#44

"Subway is a sometimes food"

#45

"Why is the cat pink?"

Submission from my sister. My nephews’ responses were apparently along the lines of ‘We have a cat?’

#46

"I’m sure Grandpa could go to England and not kill anyone."

Grandpa is an Irishman, in case you couldn’t tell.

#47

"OK, A) the cat does not have a ‘death list’ and B), if he did, I would not be number one."

Everyone knows the dog gets that spot.

#48

"Macchu Picchu is not a Pokemon."

“Macchu Picchu I choose you!”

#49

"No I will not dye my hair green for the wedding."

Mohawks are also out.

#50

"Stop cannibalizing your mother, child!!"

Submission from my friend, whose baby likes to eat her face.

#51

"All right I’m tired of hearing about poop and pooping."

Regretting the mad libs purchase 5 minutes in.

#52

"No, I would not love a ‘pukeachu’ for Christmas."

It’s the thought that counts and all but wtf are you thinking that makes you think I would love a puking Pikachu??

#53

"We are not buying a bazooka at Target."

#54

"You can’t spit food all over other peoples’ tables. Or ours, now that I think about it."

#55

"No, there will be no pocket knives at occupational therapy."

This sounds worse than it was. He was just really hoping they’d teach him how to open one. …. Maybe that’s not better, now that I think of it.

#56

"You can’t brush your teeth with socks on your hands."

I mean, you can try, but you’re not going to be very successful.

#57

"There will be no fish catching with your toes."

I just heard my husband say this. I’m afraid to go downstairs.

#58

"No, I do not have a mouse in my nose."

#59

"Why are you putting M&Ms down your pants??"

#60

“Sweetheart, those rocks aren’t that thirsty.” - to a very serious three-year-old throwing increasingly larger rocks into puddles.

#61

"Put the guns down and brush your teeth."

#62

"No, I am not controlled by an alien mothership."

…. Not that they’d let me tell you if I were.

#63

"No, your imaginary friends did not make the mess in the attic."

Great. Now I’m living in a Family Circus strip.

#64

"When did you memorize all these insurance commercials??"

#65

"Just sign the sympathy card as yourself, not as Gandalf."

… And ‘Boba Fett’ is also not appropriate.

#66

"Something I actually said tonight:
No, no… Don’t wash your face with the frog."

#67

"The cat is not hypnotizing the dog."

It’s improbable, but not impossible.

#68

"You can’t write ‘The Boss’ after your name on tests."

#69

"Aren’t all rocks uncomfortable?"

Weirdest mad lib ever…

#70

"Haircuts aren’t evil, and you’re getting one."

#71

"Crutches don’t have ‘gears’ so how can you lose one??"

#72

"Please, please, try not to say anything inappropriate to my boss today."

Unofficial ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’ can have severe consequences.

#73

“Stop sitting on that damn cheese!”

#74

"Why are there leprechaun body parts in your folder?"

#75

"Don’t use your mittens to pick up dog poop."

#76

"Pizza is a very odd weakness."

#77

"‘Slap Grandpa’ doesn’t sound like a very nice game."

#78

"There are some things you should not put ketchup on."

… A PB&J, for example.

#79

No thanks, son. Mommy prefers her ice cream without dirty socks.

#80

"No, you may not paint the dog orange."

#81

"Do not throw gorillas at me. Please."

Another submission from my sister.

#82

‘Having Superman printed pajamas will not enable you to fly, my son. Please sleep on the bottom bunk.’

'Stop licking the eggs and put them back in the fridge.’

After scolding then-3-year old for heading outside in his pajamas to play ('You don’t go outside in your pajamas, young man!’), I found him stark naked on his tricyle, serenely pedalling up and down the driveway. 'Me got no jamas on mummy!’ he proudly told me.

- Ed. Note: I love this. Kid definitely is a future lawyer.

#83

"Look, it’s one thing if it happens accidentally, but we’re not going to deliberately shoot milk out of our noses at the dinner table."

#84

“No, honey, we can’t clean giraffes with cupcakes.” – I don’t even know what the context of this was

#85

"I babysit often and this is one of my favorites: “please stop stabbing your corn, and telling it to die!”"

Another anonymous submission. Keep ‘em coming!

#86

"Stop sucking your sister’s thumb! It’s just weird. Said to my 6 and 4 year old
— rawchaellee"

…. yikes.

#87

"Poking me in the eyeball will not keep them warm."

Anonymous submission. Also, ouch.

#88

Anonymous asked: I say this almost daily to my daughter-"Stop licking the television Spongebob doesn't like it"

… I bet Patrick does.

#89

"No, I don’t think any chickens are going to come flying down the chimney."

#90

"Do you really think I can’t see you hiding your crayons under the couch??"

#91

“No, honey, your brain is in your head, not your leg."

#92

Got these two one right after the other:

(1): I just caught myself telling my 4 year old that “anything that involves putting things in your knickers is probably a bad idea” Oh dear, but still, it’s a good rule for life!
and
(2): No, your underwear is not a ‘great place’ to keep toothpicks! I’d like to have grand kids some day—-said to my 3 year old son.

Two is a coincidence, three is a pattern. We’re almost at pattern status for things in underpants. …. Yay?

#93

"You’re probably right, you shouldn’t time travel on an empty stomach."

#94

Submission: “I am sorry the baby keeps biting you but perhaps if you stop putting your fingers in her mouth she will stop biting you.”

….Charlie? Is that you??

#95

"I’m pretty sure you’re not a hobbit."

#96

I don’t think the insurance company will take this. Thanks, though.

Image credits: wtfparentingquotes

#97

"Please do not take your socks and shoes off in the restaurant. No. No, no. The waiter does not want to see your toes."

#98

terrorsister asked: I have some quotes for you if you like. "No im not getting fat ther is yoour little sister or brother growing in my belly" "What do you mean by :"why did you ate it?" "No i dont eat kids no matter what your dad said"

I do like!

#99

"Please use the doors when entering and exiting my car."

#100

"No, you can’t put a curse on people."

#101

frankiemtl asked: Don't lick your friends. Put down the machete. Don't put chicken in your purse. Don't put that mustache on the fridge.

These are all terrific! (But I’m a little frightened of the machete.)

#102

"No, I can’t brainwash you."

#103

"Dead people can’t parachute."

#104

"Yes, Elvis is dead. Yes, I’m sure."

#105

"You’re in trouble because you told passport control ‘Sorry my picture doesn’t match my face.’"

#106

"You can’t put me in timeout, I’m your mother."

#107

"Did you tell [grandma] that she’s ‘odd’? That’s not nice."

… not to mention a little hypocritical.

#108

"No, no one cloned our dog."

#109

"Oh my god, please don’t ever shout that you’re not wearing underwear ever again. Especially in the library."

#110

"No, you don’t actually have ‘cheetah powers.’"

#111

"No one has ever ‘exploded from hunger.’ I doubt you will either."

#112

"Yes you *were* eating dirt. I can still see it around your mouth. No you are *not* a worm."

#113

"Because Mommy’s not a professional art thief, that’s why."

#114

"No, we’re not having ‘elephant food’ for dinner. Nope, not even if you’re in the mood for it."

#115

"Why is everyone at camp afraid of you? What did you do?"

#116

is that spaghetti in your pocket?

#117

"Being in a hot tub too long won’t actually make you shrink."

#118

"Please don’t tell people [great grandma] ‘was too old to live.’"

#119

When she was 5
Bean, please don’t lick the ceiling.

#120

"No, you can’t send your cousin to an orphanage."

#121

"Go ahead. Walk to Australia. Let me know how that goes."

#122

"You’re supposed to be brushing your teeth, not lying on the floor naked."

#123

"I don’t think the cat wants you to read to him right now."

#124

"I don’t ‘smell like Europe.’ What does that even mean?"

#125

"Yes, I agree, [the neighbor’s cat] ‘isn’t very sexy.’ Wait… what do you think that word means? No… It doesn’t mean ‘a person you go on dates with.’"

#126

"Repeat after me: Paintbrushes. Are. Not. Bookmarks."

#127

"No, I don’t know what your Father’s Day card to Daddy says. Maybe next time don’t pick out one that’s in Spanish."

#128

"No, see, our brains stop working when we die. And if you take an ostrich’s brain out, the ostrich will die."